Friday, September 2, 2011

Life is a Fragile Thing

I was so hesitant to write this post because I am usually a pretty private person, especially when it comes to social media; however, there is something in me that just wants to write this down... mostly because its hard to act "normal" when the last couple weeks have been really really hard.

In July we found out that we were expecting Murray Baby #2 in March and we were over the moon happy.  On August 19 (two weeks ago today) we went to our first appointment and had an ultrasound... the baby measured close to 8 weeks but had no heartbeat.  Deep down I felt peace and could literally see that tiny baby safe in the arms of Jesus, but at the same time a wave of sadness that I didn't expect came over me.  I was devastated.

This had been the farthest thing from my mind... I honestly never really thought about miscarriage and had no physical signs of it whatsoever. I never excpeted it to feel like we lost part of our family. The more I have thought about this in the last couple weeks, the more I have concluded that I'm not just sad about this baby not surviving; but maybe even more sadness comes from mourning the death of my hopes. 

What I mean is that it probably wouldn't have mattered if I was 1 week or 20 weeks along.  As soon as I saw that positive pregnancy test, I was filled with hope.  I could imagine this little child's face, I could see Charlie James being a big brother, I saw them sharing a room, I imagined Charlie meeting this sweet baby at the hospital, I pictured taking the baby to meet friends at a wedding in May... I was filled with so much hope for this little life.  That hope died during the ultrasound.

Things are getting better -- I can finally talk about it a little without having a complete meltdown.  I'm not sure I have any big life lessons from this experience, but I know that it has helped me refocus on what is truly important in my life.   I am more thankful than ever for these two guys:



I feel grateful for every day that I was able to be pregnant with Charlie -- even the ones when I threw up three times a day and even the very last one that involved a 21 hour labor.  I am thankful that we will have more time for our daytime adventures -- just the two of us.  I enjoy this child so much and I love to watch him explore and learn.  He has so many new words and we've also learned that when he talks, he's LOUD (lack of volume control inherited from his Dad).  He is such a funny, silly, sweet natured little boy. 



We have a lot to be grateful for and are just trying to do normal things and move forward, but the sadness still sneaks up on me unexpectedly.  Every night I pray that God can give that sweet baby a hug and kiss from mommy.

2 comments:

  1. Thanks, Amie, for sharing. When I think back to the interaction I had with you and Rob during the time frame mentioned, I regret that we weren't able to give you hugs when the pain was most raw. Know that you have our support and an encouraging word whenever you need it; I'm praying for you as you continue journeying.

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  2. Amie, I think this is very brave of you to share. I hope writing about it helps with your healing. I love all you Murrays and am thankful that we know the peace of Jesus and that little baby is with him, in perfect Heaven. He beat us there! I'm praying again for you now.

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